Tuesday, November 10, 2009

It finally happened. I'm in the Onion.

One of today's Onion headlines could have been about me.

"Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living"

Then it went on to describe a claims adjuster explaining his life and his job to a group of friends at lunch, and how the other members admitted that it took anywhere from three weeks to twenty-seven years to admit to themselves that their lives were just as desolate and barren. Sounds a little bit like AA for all of the disillusioned people in the world, doesn't it?

Ok, so actually my job isn't really that bad. It's just that I can't truthfully make it sound fun and exciting. I really do create written explanations of complicated situations and big numbers at a tenth-grade reading level. This comes after I sort the truth out of what people tell me about programs and laws and that sort of thing. On a good day, I get to stick the sword in the dragon. On a bad day, the truth gets buried in a mound of someone else's trash.

Holy Helicopters, Batman! Hostages at gunpoint!

Right here in good old Jefferson City, MO, we have a live hostage situation. The hostage taker must have known that he was within walking distance of half the police officers in the world, but I guess that fact wasn't on his mind at the time. Anyhow, there is a circling helicopter, black-and-white cars (city), white-with-gold-stripe cars (county sheriff), metallic pastel cars (highway patrol) and unmarked Chevy Suburbans (FBI) all over the place. The confrontation is taking place in a parking garage about two blocks from where I work. A parking garage has lots of concrete, making it a bad place to be shooting.

It turns out I know about half the Highway Patrol Swat Team members so I have friends at risk as well.