It finally happened. I'm in the Onion.

One of today's Onion headlines could have been about me.

"Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living"

Then it went on to describe a claims adjuster explaining his life and his job to a group of friends at lunch, and how the other members admitted that it took anywhere from three weeks to twenty-seven years to admit to themselves that their lives were just as desolate and barren. Sounds a little bit like AA for all of the disillusioned people in the world, doesn't it?

Ok, so actually my job isn't really that bad. It's just that I can't truthfully make it sound fun and exciting. I really do create written explanations of complicated situations and big numbers at a tenth-grade reading level. This comes after I sort the truth out of what people tell me about programs and laws and that sort of thing. On a good day, I get to stick the sword in the dragon. On a bad day, the truth gets buried in a mound of someone else's trash.

Holy Helicopters, Batman! Hostages at gunpoint!

Right here in good old Jefferson City, MO, we have a live hostage situation. The hostage taker must have known that he was within walking distance of half the police officers in the world, but I guess that fact wasn't on his mind at the time. Anyhow, there is a circling helicopter, black-and-white cars (city), white-with-gold-stripe cars (county sheriff), metallic pastel cars (highway patrol) and unmarked Chevy Suburbans (FBI) all over the place. The confrontation is taking place in a parking garage about two blocks from where I work. A parking garage has lots of concrete, making it a bad place to be shooting.

It turns out I know about half the Highway Patrol Swat Team members so I have friends at risk as well.